It�s not how much we give, but how much love we put in giving.
� Mother Teresa
I met a fifth grade boy recently who was happy to share his feelings about the upcoming holidays. �I�ve given up on Christmas,� he said. �I�ve come to realize that, no matter what I ask for, what I really want I just won�t get. I asked for an Xbox last year and got a book. Whenever I ask for video games, my mom tells me to go outside and play. Why doesn�t she understand I just want to be like the other kids?�
I have to admit, his cynicism tugged at my heart strings. I know his mother, and I know and respect the reasoning behind her parenting decisions and their family values. I know, too, that she feels guilty at times over values, wants, and needs.
Gift Giving as a Montessori Parent
In her article �Anger, guilt and spending on kids: 8 questions to ask before buying anything,� psychotherapist and parenting coach Debbie Pincus states that �Guilt and anger are both uncomfortable emotions; and as different as they might seem, they are really just different sides of the same parenting coin.� (Pincus, 2014) Guilt, Pincus says, arises when parents don�t do what our children want or when we don�t give them what they want. Anger and frustration comes when we feel unappreciated for what we have provided. Both emotions, Pincus warns, are focused on the children: �keeping them happy, doing as they wish, avoiding their disapproval.� (Pincus, 2014)
She suggests asking yourself these eight questions before making purchases so that you make decisions you can feel good about:
- 1. What can we afford this year for gifts, without stressing our budget?
- 2. Is the requested gift age-appropriate?
- 3. What behaviors has my child exhibited that tell me he is ready for the responsibility that comes with owning this gift?
- 4. Am I ready and able to monitor her use of the requested gift?
- 5. What can I expect will be the repercussions of his playing with this gift? Am I in favor of those things?
- 6. How will she benefit�and not benefit�from owning this? How will I benefit? Not benefit
- 7. Am I buying this for him because I don�t want him to be upset with me? Is this a good reason?
- 8. Am I buying this for her because I don�t want her friends to alienate her if she doesn�t have it? Is this a good reason?
(Pincus, 2014)
Most importantly, Pincus reminds parents to communicate your reasons for your decisions with your children. When my son was in third grade, he asked for a video gaming system so he could be like his friends. I realized the importance gaming plays in today�s society and researched all the options. I decided on the system that had the most child friendly games. He was thrilled, of course, to find the gaming system under the tree Christmas morning. He knew I had made a compromise. He received his gaming system, and I was able to decide which games were appropriate, maintaining our family values through my choices.
Being a Montessori parent isn�t always easy. It takes a firm conviction in what you value and the willingness to openly communicate those values with your entire family. This gift-giving season, openly discuss your child�s wish list with him before the big day, so he can understand how his desires fit into your family.
I know what I have given you� I do not know what you have received.
� Antonio Porchia
Works Cited
Pincus, Debbie. �Anger, guilt and spending on kids: 8 questions to ask before buying anything.� Empowering Parents, November 18, 2014. http://www.empoweringparents.com/anger-guilt-spending-kids.php?utm_medium=email&utm_source=email11182014NXR&spMailingID=47429096&spUserID=ODg1ODg1NDk1NTAS1&spJobID=562335817&spReportId=NTYyMzM1ODE3S0
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